Another week has gone by and no one close to me has died…yet. The weirdest thing is that people who I had always considered rational humans are adapting to the new normal so quickly, it’s hard to imagine that we were anything else before now. It’s like the zombies have always been here, but they’ve been hiding themselves, and for whatever reason, they are now emboldened to rise up and let their freak flags fly out and proud.
December has been declared Zombie Pride month. Christmas is no longer a day, it’s a way of life that is being defined by the government and implemented by zombie local enforcement brigades. Hanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa and Veteran’s Day have been abolished. Rudolph and Olaf have been canonized as Patron Saints of the Holiday, and all advertising and merchandising must include an image of a tree, bell, candy cane, or Star in the East on red backgrounds. Snowmen and gingerbread images are not allowed unless they are featured in a redemptive nativity scene.
The department of commerce and the IRS have determined minimum spending amounts on Christmas items. These items must total 10% of a family’s AGI, and must be obtained and shipped to arrive on December 24th at the very latest or the expenditures don’t satisfy individual quotas, and tax penalties will be assessed.
The new zombie government is so excited to roll out this economic stimulus plan, that shopping holidays are now expected throughout the year. Christmas in July sales will now be augmented with Christmas in January, February, March, and so on. The president zombie is so proud of it that he has already reduced his income tax rate to -15%. He has announced other “off-menu” tax rates that can be personally negotiated by individuals and corporations who contribute enough to his political campaigns, or if you can trace a family connection to himself, or his first foreign exchange Secretary of Defense, Vladimir Putin.
As expected, the black market for menorahs and dreidels is thriving, yet risky. Newly hired agents of the renamed agency ATFSH (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Seditious Holidays) make regular raids in New York’s lower east side. Tons of non-Christmas ornaments and decorations are destroyed regularly and the broken shards are strewn throughout non-zombie neighborhoods to as a reminder of what is not acceptable anymore.
More later, and a merry Trumpmas to all.